New journey for mama-bug

This is a very vulnerable post from me. And way overdue! Life has been crazy (crazier than usual) for me recently. I decided to finally sit down and share some news.

This post is vulnerable because it’s about me and only me. And it’s about my struggles with my weight. Which I’ve never been comfortable talking about.

So. Deep breath…..

I’ve been overweight pretty much my entire life. I remember being in 4th grade and wanting to wear jeans like the other kids. That’s probably my 1st memory of being different and disappointed in how I was different. As I became a teen I was more self conscious. Looking back I was so beautiful then and wish I’d embraced who I was then. Then in my early 20’s I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and had my entire thyroid removed. During my low iodine diet (in which I was hardly able to eat anything ) to prepare for radiation I gained 20 lbs. TWENTY POUNDS. And I was hardly eating. It went down hill from there. It’s always been a struggle for me. When I met Ron I was doing Zumba 3-4 times a week, I went to the gym regularly and I was on an off weight watchers. I literally never lost any substantial weight. But I loved being active! After about 2-3 years of marriage I remember Ron saying to me that he had seen what and how much I ate day after day and he couldn’t figure out how I wasn’t a toothpick.

When I was pregnant with Lorelei I hardly gained any weight. It was weird. Things shifted around my body. I was very health conscious. I joke that I wouldn’t eat an orange if it wasn’t organic because I wanted nothing but the best for my precious baby.

Pregnancy after pregnancy I found that I didn’t seem to gain weight when I was pregnant. With the twins I only gained 11 lbs. with Lavender I actually lost weight. I assume that when my body was pregnant my metabolism jumped into a new speed or something??

As the years have gone on I’ve embraced who I am. I truly love myself. I’m self conscious always. But I still love who I am. But I never feel that my body reflects who I am inside. It’s a really weird place to be in. I feel so vibrant and healthy and happy inside. But I feel so uncomfortable in my body. I don’t feel beautiful anymore. But more importantly I feel like I can’t do all the things I want to do with my kids. And I miss Zumba.

So last summer when I was talking to my endocrinologist about my weight struggles she recommended weight loss surgery. I quickly shot her down because I’ve always assumed weight loss surgery was for people with portion control issues. She explained to me that it’s more than that. It’s a chance to have a metabolism reboot. I realize I was being judgmental and uneducated and now I feel badly. She suggested a weight loss medication as an alternative to surgery. I didn’t even realize they prescribed weight loss medication to be honest. I looked into it. $1200 a month. Nope. Not doing that! Thanks though! Ha! (Who has that kind of extra money for yet another medication??)

It took me a long time of being alone with my own thoughts. I didn’t even talk to Ron about it for a while. But I made an appointment with the weight loss clinic and scheduled a consultation with a surgeon. They immediately approved me and started me on their program. It’s been about 6 months. I’ve gone to appointment after appointment after appointment. I’ve been checked upside down and backwards. I’ve taken classes and started changing my diet to prepare for surgery.

I’ve only shared this with a few friends. I was hesitant to tell people because I still feel like it’s so personal. But my surgery will be next month. Im gearing up for an enormous lifestyle change. So I figured it was finally time to share my news.

I have so many mixed feelings. I’m so excited!! I’m scared! I hate surgery. (To be fair all my surgeries have been pretty major.) I’m worried about not having help when I recover. I’m proud of myself for taking the steps and facing what’s haunted me my entire life. I’m hopeful that I’ll be a good role model for my girls as they grow into their own bodies. I’m worried I’ll have regrets and I’ll miss the things I’ve always fallen back on that have put me where I am now. Pizza making nights, taking the girls out for ice cream, baking etc. But I so badly just want to feel comfortable and free.

I’m still taking my last steps in the program. Each day I am trying something new to adjust to my future. I’m no longer drinking coffee. Yes you read that correctly. This coffee lovin’ mama is OFF coffee. Not even decaf. I’m drinking so much water. I’m eating more protein than I’ve ever eaten. I don’t drink water with meals anymore. I definitely have a lot to learn. But I’m making progress!

For almost 11 years I’ve been a stay at home mom with 1-5 kids home every day all day with me and going to the gym just isn’t a reality for me anymore. We don’t have family to help. It’s just us and we have long days with no break. But next September my twins will be in kindergarten!! And Lavender will be in preschool a couple hours a week. And I will finally finally finally have some time just for Darcie. I can go to the gym. Or a walk on the beach. Or even just walk the aisles of Target! I’m so excited about where I’ll be a year from now.

So now the bandaid is ripped off and the world knows. I’m a bariatric patient.