Summer “break”

Sumer break is coming to an end. And it’s bringing so many conflicting emotions Feelings I know I’m not alone feeling. But feelings causing me angst regardless. I remember being so excited when the bus dropped the girls off on that last day of school. I met them at the bus stop dancing with excitement for them. Clapping and cheering. We all shared so much excitement for a summer of fun….. we had a big list.

But the reality is 5 kids is a lot. It’s a lot of hair to brush. It’s a lot of bandaids. It’s a lot of money to feed them. It’s a lot of nonstop talking. It’s a lot of cleaning. It’s a lot of fighting. It’s a lot of expectations. It’s a lot of disappointments. It’s a lot of food (omg the food!!). It’s a lot of planning. It’s a lot of smooshed people in the family van. It’s a lot of teeth to brush. It’s a lot of nails to cut. Most of this falls on me. Ron works normal days and comes home for their last hour or two. I don’t have in-laws. My family is 3+ hours away. It’s me all day every day. It’s exhausting.

Each day starts with the inevitable “what are we doing today?” Several years and several kids ago I decided to be a fun mom. A cool, crafty, creative, interactive mom. During Covid when I homeschooled my kids I started the day with a white board that said something like “Good morning girls! Today is Tuesday! Today we’re going to the library, baking cookies, making cards for Uncle Whit and making tacos!”. Now they are used to everyday being something fun! I somewhat regret setting the precedent. But I want to paint a whimsical childhood for them.

But then reality slaps me in the face. Reality can ugly and hard. The messes that occur with 5 children (plus a few friends inevitable visiting) is astounding. It’s absolutely mind blowing. It’s like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos. It’s a non stop job just cleaning up behind them. And speaking of Oreos- the food. Someone is always hungry. And when one has a snack the others want a snack. It’s a chain reaction… All. Day. Long. And summertime means popsicle time. They LOVE popsicles. Something I’ve been doing for years (since they 1st discovered the ice cream truck)- I buy several kinds of popsicles and keep my freezer loaded. When they’re playing outside I will blast whimsical ice cream truck music on the backyard speaker and come out and deliver cold treats like I’m the ice cream truck rolling through the backyard!

We’re now coming up on the end of summer break. Countdown is on. Big girls go back in 13 days. Little girls start in 17 days. For 11.5 years I’ve been home with my girls. I’m not complaining. It’s what I always dreamed of. I did work out of the house part time for the 1st 5 years. When I was pregnant with the twins I had to stop. I’ve been home every day all day since then. It’s been a long season. For a long, long, long time I’ve been dreaming of the time when the twins could go to kindergarten and Lavender could start preschool so I could have a glimmer of a break. It’s finally coming in 17 days. I have a list. A long list of extravagant things I can’t wait to do. I’ll have 2.5 hours 4 days a week ALL TO MYSELF!!!!!!! I’m going to go to the beach, go grocery shopping alone, go to the gym, do clients without interruptions, clean the house, sleep!!! So many things. I’m so close. And yet I seriously feel like I can’t get through these last couple weeks. Today was the day I felt like a dry twig ready to snap. I’ve been worn down and I’m so tired now. So tired of the conflict, the constantly repeating myself 12,000 times a day, being everyone’s source of comfort and entertainment, putting out fight after fight, cleaning absurd messes you can’t even begin to imagine, not even remembering to take my medications daily because I’m too busy putting out fires around me. So today I’m desperate for a break. Even if I could run an errand with “only” 3 kids it would be a welcomed break. I’m so envious of my friends and my sister who have family and extended family nearby. I would do just about anything to have help on the extra hard days. I am truly grateful to have a supportive and loving husband. I know I am blessed with having a partner!

Anyways here’s where all the feelings we can all relate to come in. It’s guilt. I’m nearly in tears today wishing school would start so I can have a break and breathe. And then I looked at my calendar. Every day between now and school is filled up. I didn’t take them to the zoo like I’d planned. We didn’t have a yard sale like we’d planned. We hardly had any lemonade stands. Definitely didn’t have enough beach days. We still haven’t gone miniature golfing. We wanted to go to grandma and grandpa’s house once more. We didn’t have one bonfire this summer. Not one.

The summer passed so quickly and soon I’ll be packing them up for school. I’ll cry. I’ll miss them. I’ll wish I’d appreciated the moments I had with them. I’ll feel like a monster for wishing the school bus to come sooner.

Here’s the other guilt. The school bus passes cost $200 per kid which we don’t have right now. All the girls need new shoes, clothes, backpacks etc. Lorelei is going into 5th grade and desperately wants to go shopping for new school clothes. But the cost of living is so high these days. We’re scrambling for school bus pass money, never mind new clothes. More guilt. Each day she asks me when we’re going shopping. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. What do I do?? Several times this summer I’ve heard myself telling the girls “just because you want something doesn’t mean you get to have it”. It’s a good life lesson! But it’s hard also. It makes me sad.

But as I sit here and reflect I’m telling myself to stop feeling guilty for what I’ve not given them. But instead reflect on what I have given them. I’ve been home with them every day to provide for them. They’ve all been given the opportunity to take classes this summer. Swimming, gymnastics and dance. Plus a week of camp at the fire department for Lorelei and Sky. We’ve had a family trip to Ptown for my birthday. Sky had her very 1st birthday party of her very own. Lorelei got to go to an Abba concert with me. We’ve been to the beach many days and seen the ice cream truck, too! We found a new hobby- watching the planes at the airfield. We went to a bouncy house and out for ice cream. We went strawberry picking AND blueberry picking. We took several small trips to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Our annual tradition of making tie dye teeshirts, growing a garden, and swimming still happened! We went to the library, the mall, festivals, parades, birthday parties…

Today has been extra challenging. It rained most of the day. Daddy is away tonight with the car. So we’ve been stuck home inside all day. All day I’ve been festering all these emotions. Ups and down. Times when I can’t snuggle them enough and times when I’m ready to hand in my letter of resignation and quit this mom job. It’s a hard job. It’s a job I chose. It’s a job I’d never want to truly give up. But just because I asked for it and just because I love it, doesn’t mean it’s not hard.

As I finish writing this I have Pearl snuggled on me looking for more attention. This summer has been so joyful but so exhausting also. I have so much love, guilt, regret, pride… but through it all I have core memories being made. I know someday I’ll look back on this blogpost and long for these days of the girls being small. Something I’ve learned on my parenting journey: each season is hard for its own reasons. Each season gets easier as they get older and we grow as parents but new challenges always pop up. My goal as a mother is to appreciate the season I’m in, own it and take the challenges in stride. And cherish the good moments and forget the bad.